I’m grieving over here

Well, I’m in a bit of a grieving process at the moment. It seems that quite a few things around me have changed; circumstances are different, people are leaving and close friends have fallen by the wayside. I guess amongst it all I am really beginning to find out what it is that makes me worried, stressed and depressed. I am finding out the things that I fear the most and how little control I have over those things I fear.

I used to be worried about what others thought of me; the way I was perceived by those around me was a huge driving factor of my life. I wanted to appear as though I was perfect, but in doing so learned that being perfect has its downfalls. I’m not trying to say that I am by any stretch of the imagination perfect but it would seem that human nature drives people to find a way of making apparent perfection into something else. I have also experienced how very destructive gossip is…

I am a bit of a clingy person when it comes to relationships with friends. It is a very devastating day when you realize that the friendship you believe you had so strongly was not really like that; a false sense of a relationship. I really dislike that the business of our lives from Sunday to Saturday stops us from remembering what is important in life, or more importantly, who is important in life. So I am grieving the loss of a close friendship that has come about simply from the realization that the intimacy of the relationship was simply fabricated in my own mind. This might take a long time to recover from but I know that with prayer and patience that God will heal even the deepest of wounds. I am also grieving for a new friend lost; someone that I was feeling I could relate to more and more over recent months, but is now leaving for many years.

My life to date has appeared to go from one obsession to the next; constantly looking for that one person who I can relate to on every level of my life. Whenever I believe that I have found that person I end up finding some way that it could never work: different interest, different continents or simply no time in the same proximity. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there could not possibly be one single human in my life that fulfills every partnership that my soul longs for; I have come to the conclusion that Jesus is the only person that could truly do that.

Looking back at my past blogs I see that I have already come to this conclusion many many times…GRRR I am such an imbecile. How many times God? How many times?